My Big Brother's Blog Stinks

More catching up to do.

2008-08-09T19:20:00.001-07:00

At this point, it's best to just put some pictures out there and fast-forward so I can get back up to date. For starters, here are some pictures from our trip to Charlottesville back in July:

Me and Rachel.

Me and Daddy at Polyface Farms

Two swimming pool babes.

Just me, catching some rays.

Me 'n' pops.

Our camping excursion near Gettysburg.

Watching fireworks in C-ville.

USA! USA! USA!

U! S! A!!!!!

Playing giant Connect Four (I lost-- hard to strategize when you can't reach the top of the board...)

Giant chess was equally mystifying...

Mini golf didn't go much better.

All of us at the fight-field (as Eli put it).

Ready to hit the road again...

Eatin' corn back in the ol' neighborhood...

Soon after that, Eli and I got sick:

The teenage years are coming early:

Daddy, Eli and I taking the train into Philadelphia.

Three kids in a tub (that's Mason, the baby that mommy is taking care of)...

I'm back, baby! And no longer a baby!

2008-07-23T18:44:00.000-07:00

Oh man, it's been too long. I've basically stopped barfing, but I'm going to make an exception here and barf out some pictures. Let's go chronologically, shall we?

March and April: I regret to say that at this point, I am now every bit the underwhelming eater my brother is. But I have to say, it's pretty fun to mooch food, even if it means having to eat it:

Eyes on the prize...

In for the kill...

Yoink!

I do have a bit of a bottle addiction that I am working to overcome:

Oh sweet nectar of the gods...

Here are some pictures from my circus adventure with Grandma and Grandpa:

Braving the Philly subway...

Girl-bonding with grandma...

Mom came out of ultimate frisbee retirement this past spring-- I was eager to get on the starting line:

How am I going to throw fakes in this sweatsuit? No mobility, I tell you.

And here are some pictures of me just looking adorable:

I like the soft focus here. If Barbara Walters ever retires, this is the pin shot I'm submitting...

Nuff said...

My first time facing forward in the car seat...

Easter egg hunting during a trip to Charlottesville...

My first wheels. Luckily, it gets great mileage given the skyrocketing cost of gas...

Daddy and I lost in thought...

Another Easter picture.

May and June - weather's getting hotter, I'm getting cuter.

Me and Eli with Great Uncle Geoff and Great Aunt Karen after taking the train up to Doylestown (still hitting the bottle...)...

My teeth get much cleaner this way...

We just got a big honkin' play set in our back yard. I'm staying out here from now on:

Can I pleeeeze do this swing now? And what the hell is up with my hair?

Grandma Nene came to visit-- we're carpooling up to the Crayola Crayon factory in Easton here. Typically I would drive separately cuz I need my space, but we're trying to save gas...

Once we got there, I proceeded to try to huff as many markers as I could. It's tough to get high on the water-soluble stuff.

We took a sweet ice cream pit stop on the way home:

Oh momma...

That's some good s**t.

Later that month we took the train down to DC. It was pretty fast...

Once there, we all caught a Nationals game.

I believe this picture is my visual commentary on how much the Nationals suck:

Lastly, did I mention that I just got cuter?

OMG... Daddy, you did not just tell that partner to piss off???

Guys like the librarian type, right?

Just emulating President Bush's dance moves...

Me 'n' mom.

Coming soon: the July and August backlog. Stay tuned!

In order to form a more perfect baby...

2008-03-19T18:20:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone. I'm mostly going to do a picture dump on everyone (I've gotten quite experienced with such dumps), but first I want to let you know that I am giving a major speech on the state of America tomorrow. It will mostly consist of the words "mama," "dada" and "book," those being the sum total of my vocabulary at this point. But brevity is the soul of wit, and economy of language is an underrated virtue. In any event, I'm sure it will stem allegations that my primary spiritual adviser is a rancid dog who eats diaper rash cream and hermit crabs and craps all over the house. I can no more disown Monty than I can disown my own rancid dog. End of story.

And now, on to the pictures. I just turned the big oh-one, and as luck would have it, the power went out just as we were about to celebrate with the family. Luckily, flash photography captures what I didn't see myself:

The next day, in broad daylight, mom and dad presented me with a rubber duck nested in some foreign brown substance:

I tore the duck apart and ate it:

And then I ate the brown junk:

And yet the more I ate, the bigger it got!

Freaky. What was in that duck?

I got a number of plastic musical items as gift, but the best was this snazzy hat. Man, I should be a baby model.

The weather got warm for the first time last weekend, so I ventured outside to nibble on some sidewalk chalk:

Energized by the chalk, I ventured down my driveway to our own starting line. Ready, set...

Walk! (OK, so that wasn't my first step. Cool pictures, though.)

The balmy weather was quite a turnaround from a few weeks earlier:

Whuff...

You will be relieved to know that I have inherited my big brother's stellar eating habits, which have enabled me to maintain a slim baby model figure. I do have two weaknesses, however. The bottle, naturally...

And pirate booty. Ummm....

There's still a bit of a photographic backlog that I need to foist on everyone before too long, so stay tuned. Bye!

Solidarity

2008-02-17T05:35:00.001-08:00

I realize the gaps between postings have gotten to the point of causing civil unrest and rending the fabric of our society. But I just want to get one thing out of the way: the sole reason I have not posted since December is to show solidarity for my brethren and sistren in the Screenwriters' Guild. Now that the strike is over, I no longer feel like I would be a scab if I issued a blog post.

Of course, now I'm stuck with a crapload of pictures and absolutely no time to post them all. So it's going to have to be piecemeal. At the very least, I owe you a preview. In the next few weeks, I'll be bringing you up to speed on the following (among other things):

-Christmas in Minnesota and my first snow.
-Taking my first tentative steps.
-My first political experience as a caucusgoer and local celebrity.
-Mom and dad's foray into eco-friendly diapers.
-A few short words.

But first, here are a few Christmas pictures:

Daddy and me on the plane. The seats are designed perfectly for someone my size.

Me at the shoe store. Several customers made inquiries about whether Don could knock another 10% off of me.

All of us partying with Jessie the Normal Dog.

Daddy and me in the snow (snow cropped out of picture).

I promise more pictures soon. Damn writers' strike. It's messed me up, not just fans of The Daily Show and the Colbert Report.

(Almost) walking into the holidays...

2007-12-16T11:47:00.001-08:00

All sorts of new stuff is on the horizon. I've just turned 9 months, and yet I'm thiiiiiis close to walking. Not bad, huh?

Watch this...

Coming through, suckas.

Furthermore, I've already conquered stairs (although it helped that a camera was at the top of them)--
I think I can...

I think I can...

I think I can...

Of course I did...

I've also mastered the piano:

I take requests. I think that's either the Beatles or Bohemian Rhapsody up there.

It's been hard to find time to practice all of these new skills, what with the incessant parade of holidays I've been subjected to. First came Halloween:

Dad says he's going as a young Albus Dumbledore. As you can see in the picture, I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Next was the holiday where PaKi and Grandma Mitzi visit:

PaKi and I had a staredown until he admitted that I had more hair than him.

Then we showed then around town. Daddy is in this picture-- I've put a red circle around him.

He's in one of those windows, I'm pretty sure... you just need to squint.

Next came Thanksgiving, wherein I did some girl bonding with the other female of my generation.

We need to stick together against all of these half-Jewish/half-Catholic men.

The non-Jewish side has won out here, clearly:

Here I am apparently filming a commercial of some sort with Grandma Lisa and Grandpa Paul:

In case you were wondering, the seat I'm in is the one that got recalled by the manufacturer because babies were wiggling out of it and falling off tables. Let's just say the recall is somewhat justified. Those things suck eggs.

Now that my first Christmas is just around the corner, it's finally getting cold up here in PA.

As a result, mommy and I got sick:

But on the bright side, global warming has been solved! Whoo hoo!

Thank god the world is safe for my generation.

Goin' mobile

2007-10-16T17:38:00.001-07:00

I know, I know. You're feeling ignored out there. But think back to when you were figuring out that you didn't have to just stay in the same place. I bet you were pretty busy, huh?

It all started one day when I was lying around looking cute:

I said, hey, enough of this lying around. First things first, I revved up a bit by flapping my arms.

Then I got up on the knees. There was no turning back now:

Mommy tried to give me a hand. I told her to step off.

I got stuck on my knees for a while.

Eventually, I figured out the push-up position.

After that, it was only a matter of time before I was crawling. Now, I can even stand up:

Eli, please... show some decency. Any chance I can get out of here, daddy?

With great mobility comes great responsibility. I can now pretty much bathe myself in my sweet new bath:

Almost as exciting as the moving is the chewing. I grew a brand new pair of chompers the other week:

Which meant I could take in something other than the white stuff. I've made the most of this new opportunity:

And just how did I get so messy? Let's just say I haven't quite figured out the spoon thing yet:

Does it go in like this?

Or like this?

Liquified fruits, veggies and meats are all well and good... OK, they're mostly nasty. But there's nothing quite like a good slime biscuit:

Apples are tasty as well:

Mmmghf. Ahm uff nght.

I've also found the time to learn a few words. It's sort of a trial and error thing. You just sit around making random sounds, and as soon as you make one that makes your folks go crazy with glee, you just repeat that sound all day. That's how I arrived at mamamamamamama and dadadadadadadada. Not sure what they mean, but I'm obviously getting my point across.

With all of this activity, I sometime forget that it's OK to just sit around looking adorable:

It's the hat, right?

I did this for an entire day, and my face didn't even get stuck.

Sadly, the latest news is not so good. I came down with a bad case of the ol' "barfing more than usuals" the other day, along with a nose stuffed full of boogers. The whole ordeal was quite traumatic, which naturally led me to need mommy at 2 hour intervals during the night. Luckily, I've been able to pass that sucker along to mommy. So I'm starting to feel much better, thanks for asking. Although I've apparently been downgraded from "easiest baby in the world" to "normal." Alas.

milestones

2007-09-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

A lot of firsts have been happening in the last few weeks. Here are just a few...

First upside-down Monty kiss (at least as hot as the one between Tobey McGuire and Kirsten Dunst in Spider Man, eh?)...

First hair grab (Daddy says I may not be able to do this for long)...

First switched-head mix-up with my big brother...

First reading session with my big bro (although frankly, what's the point of patting a fake cat in a book when I have the real thing?)...

And, crucially, my first baseball game. The boys in the family gave me some pointers, since I'm definitely an unseasoned rookie:

"The guy throws the ball and the other guy tries to hit it." Thanks for the primer, doofus. I need to know the nuances here. Explain the infield fly rule, or at least the proper position the third baseman needs to be in when he anticipates a suicide squeeze play.

It was a hot day at the ol' ballpark, but I had ways of keeping cool:

Yes indeed, this is good on the gums. And what do you say this treat is called?

Not sure what happens after the first twenty minutes of a baseball game:

By next week, I may be able to report my first knee scuff marks, as forward motion is imminent. Look out, parts-of-the-world-that-are-less-than-a-foot-high!

I've also been doing some serious growing, notwithstanding the serious puking I've been doing on Mommy & Daddy (see here and here for the general idea). My legs are now long enough that I can deliver a swift kick in just the right place if Daddy goes too fast when we're walking Monty:

Seriously, I can really nail him. This picture is not staged.

Today was Daddy's last day as my full-time paternal figure before he is taken away from us by the demands of big firm life. We celebrated by taking a boat ride on the river with Char the Great. She's pretty goofy:

Talk to y'all when I start to crawl!

THIS is my family???

2007-08-29T18:30:00.000-07:00

As my brother noted in his usual inelegant style, a whole buncha family came to Philly last weekend. I'm not sure what the occasion was, but I'm pretty sure it primarily involved admiring me:

Yes, yes, thank you thank you. It was nothing. C'etait rien.

There was also some sort of auxiliary party where Char the Great got pretty wacky...

Whoooo!!! Octogenarians gone wild!!!! Whooooo!!!!

Of course, it's all fun and games until someone's hairdo gets messed up by silly string:

At least I had two grandmothers to console me:

Dad seemed to enjoy showing me off, which was OK up to a point:

Yes, I do like the cuddling...

Whoa! Serious hors d'oeuvres breath! Back off, bub!

a change of scenery

2007-08-23T20:10:00.000-07:00

As per my instructions, mommy and daddy painted my penthouse suite this week. This was their first try, which I really liked but mommy hated with a fiery passion:

It's just like going back to the womb!

This is what they went with, which is pretty fetching too:

Check out the king-sized, deluxe waterbed that I'm going to be moving into soon. Whoo!

My big brother is sort of a wuss...

2007-08-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

http://elikaplowitz.blogspot.com/2007/08/its-been-bit-of-traumatic-day.html

I mean, come on. I barely felt a thing!

What a summer!!!

2007-08-18T18:10:00.000-07:00

Man, I have a ton of stuff to catch people up on. Plus, I have to do it better than my stinkin' big brother, who somehow beat me to press. First things first, the trip out to Minnesota. Basically, Mom, Eli and I bailed out of Philly in order to give Daddy some "alone time." It was nice to have some girl bonding with Sydney, the only other female in my generation on mom's side (so far):

Mostly, we just accessorized. And complained about boys.

When I wasn't flexing my girl power, I did some serious tanning with the Grandma:

No healthy glow yet. Damn you, SPF 95!!!

At least I didn't have to worry about tan lines:

Watch your back, J-Lo. Literally. Watch it.

It was also a good time to engage in some serious negotiations with Grandpa Don about buying his shoe store:

As you can tell by his expression, I drive a hard bargain. Another beer, Grandpa D?

Then it was up to the Twin Cities for some PaKi time:

I think I just passed him in the hair follicle department...

And then the inevitable Evelyn vs. Evelyn showdown:

That's right, I'm your namesake. What are you going to do about it, huh?

I missed Daddy desperately, but as soon as we got back to Philly, BOTH Mommy AND Daddy bailed on us and jetted off to Hawaii. Without even asking whether I might like to come! Luckily, I got to bond with Grandma Lisa and Grandpa Paul, who apparently had a bit of a throwback week... a throwback to 1983, that is. I tried to make life easy for them by sitting around looking cute and gnawing on various body parts until my parents returned.

Mommy and Daddy weren't back long before they schlepped all of us again, this time to the Jersey Shore to visit Uncle Wren. both parents wasted no time introducing me to the ocean:

Both experiences can only be described the following way: wet. I also figured out how much seawater a standard diaper can absorb. The answer: a whole lot.

Better to just sit by the side of the pool gnawing on one of my blankies:

My oh my. Ah must trah to stay out of the sun...

While we were there, Uncle Wren got a little taste of parenthood:

I'm a damn cute accessory, if I do say so.

Enough of my travels. The big news is that I've expanded my gustational horizons beyond the bottle. Each step has been a revelation:

First, mush. As you can see, a little disappointing.

Popsicles... getting warmer...

Oh sweet baby Jesus...

I'm sorry... you waited HOW LONG to give me this stuff???

Any left in here?

Ummmm.... ummmmm...

As much fun as it is to take food in, sometimes it can be just as enjoyable giving it up again. Notice my completely nonplused expressions in the following pictures:

Maybe I'll finally get that part in the straight-to-DVD release Baby Phantom of the Opera.

What? Is there a problem here?

In case you doubt my adorableness, I leave you with the following pictures:

(I fully realize this picture could start a new trend in exercise headbands)

I'm not sure how I got the right genes, but they certainly didn't come from my daddy's side. He recently came across the following picture of himself with Char the Great. Let's just be charitable and say daddy looks like he has a great personality:

Peace out,
Ev

I'm much cuter in PA

2007-07-03T18:09:00.000-07:00

Here are some recent pictures to satisfy your thirst for Evvy knowledge. First, a few pre-moving pics...

Oblivious to the boxes piling up around us, Eli and Rachel look adoringly on yours truly.

OK, enough with the adoration.

Perhaps I can camouflage myself right here, to get a few minutes of peace...

So now we're up in Jenkintown. Daddy took a picture of my room before the hordes of movers arrived:

It's very Zen. I wish they kept it this way.

The moving totally pooped out mommy and me. It was a little ridiculous watching Daddy and Eli sitting around drinking Mint Juleps while the ladies did all the hard work.

Here we are in our new breakfast room. New rules in PA-- sitting on the table is allowed!

I've discovered that while the bottle is good, fingers taste even better. Although this new delicacy has its downside. Eli has become obsessed with the song "Maneater" by some cheesy pop duo, and he keeps singing about me being a "Handeater." Ha ha, real funny.

Daddy told me to put up this last picture solely for the benefit of the D.C. ultimate crowd. Apparently, daddy filed for something called a "restraining order" right after this picture was taken. Whatever that means.

Incidentally, now that we're out of the South, I have to say that I'm much more attractive relative to the rest of the population. I don't know what it is about the Northeast, but it is a bit of a boost to my self-esteem.

More soon-- stay posted here for 4th of July pictures and my first foray into "solid" food.

And we're living here in Jenkintown...

2007-06-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

I'll post some pictures and stories soon, but I just wanted to let my creditors know that they can now reach me in Jenkintown, PA.

I also just found out that my brother's blog has actually been written by his dad for over four years!!! Jeez, what a patsy! What a puppet!!! Luckily, I've been independent from day one. No ghostwriting necessary on this end.

What a tool.

A bunch of new photos 'n' stuff

2007-05-30T19:30:00.001-07:00

Most of the details of my last three weeks can be found on my brother's vastly inferior blog. Go there if you must... at your own risk of losing brain cells! I'll mostly just try to give you the story from my intellectually superior vantage point.

First our trip to Minnesota. Dad did most of the driving of the new minivan, so mommy and I just hung out in the back seat:

And you say these seats just fold down and stow away in the floor? Sweet!

The worst part of the trip was watching mom scarf down on delicious food while I was stuck with crappy formula. This patent unfairness will become a theme.

I want them smothered, covered and chunked, dammit!

So I averted my eyes from the delectable greasiness and instead focused on the baby at the table next door...

There's something familiar about the back of that head...

The wedding was fun for the most part:

Slow down, lady. It's getting blurry in here.

But once again, I was denied what I really wanted:

Can't... quite... reach...

Eventually, it got late and I passed out. Whereupon I had a great dream involving Dr. McDreamy and some sweet ear nibbling. Wonder what that was about...

Oh DOCTOR! Behave!

The rest of the time was spent in various states of relaxation:

I'm not yet old enough to swim or tan, so I just had to sit there and look good.

Daddy's graduation was a bit overwhelming, so I mostly stayed out of it:

McDreamy, do you mind doing the ear-nibbling thing again?

I did wake up long enough to pose for a picture:

Wait, and you say I have to live in the same city as a majority of these people???

I have to admit that I was not a huge fan of the garage sale two weekends ago:

Perhaps this was accidental, but it was still very suspicious.

In the more general department, I've been getting some serious neck workouts in the past few weeks:

This photo doesn't quite do it justice. I can now lift my head at least another two more inches.

In more good news, I'm also engaging in a lot less projectile vomiting than before, and Daddy is thinking of rescinding my nickname of "Linda Blair." On the downside, my belches have become somewhat less earth-shattering. Which sucks, because that was my primary marketable talent at this point.

I should also note that I no longer trust the world after getting jammed with a couple of needles a few weeks back. Sorry, no pictures to memorialize my pain. Daddy apparently wanted to take some, but mommy shamed him out of it. Bottom line-- without the evidence, I have very little to go on in my upcoming tort case. Since I can't yet testify, those photos were all I had!

Lastly, the rumors are true: apparently we're packing up and moving to some new place, before I even learned where I was living now. I've been told that I need to be a UVA basketball fan in perpetuity, but that otherwise I am now "from" some place called Philadelphia.

That's all. More soon!
Love,
Ev (not "Evvy," because mommy thinks people will think it looks like Ewy, and I will get made fun of by vicious girlfriends for the rest of my life)

Evelyn Kaplowitz photo contest!

2007-05-03T18:17:00.000-07:00

As part of my effort to make this blog more participatory, I am announcing the first annual Evelyn Kaplowitz Photo Contest. The theme for this year is "me smiling." This year's contestants are mom, dad and mom. And dad. Post your votes in the comment section below, call our toll-free number, or text your vote to Evelyn Idol!

Picture 1

Mischevious. Toothy (if I had teeth). At early frontrunner.

Picture 2

I must have been dreaming about something pretty funny. Like how my dad needs a freakin' shave.

Picture 3

An obvious fake. A candidate for early elimination.

Picture 4

A bemused smile. It sort of says, "What the hell am I doing in this silly thing?"

Picture 5

This picture demonstrates that I'll pretty much smile at anyone, even if I've never seen them in my whole life.

Picture 6

Loo-ser! This one will NEVER get anywhere.

Cast your votes now-- America is riveted to their blog screens!

Squeaky smiles!

2007-04-11T17:01:00.000-07:00

I've already earned a nickname, "Squeaky." Because I squeak a lot. But I'm working on a new nickname: Smiley. Because I'm trying to smile more:

Welcome back to me!

2007-04-08T19:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay, but I've been busy fusing together the bones in my skull and developing my eyesight. Luckily for you, I'm taking a half-hour break from all of that to share some of my latest pictures.

The learning has already begun. Daddy is teaching me the obscene hand gestures of the world-- here's the results of my latest lesson:

I believe in Iceland, this means something rude about your mom.

The last few weeks have featured a long string of admirers. First, some of dad's friends came over for his 28th birthday and were subjected to the reality that their collective biological clocks were ticking.

Tick tick tick tick...

Dave Burnett looks freaked out. How much do you want to bet he's not getting any tonight?

Then Pakei (apparently, Hawaiian for "Grandpa Keith") and Cousin Sydney came and visited from the place mommy refers to as The Motherland:

Look closely-- that's a real smile!

And that's a real bottle of formula!

I've also been out and about. Dad dragged me to class one day. Honestly, it was pretty goddamn boring... I fell asleep, but luckily I didn't get called on.

This place is soulless. I'd like to see some more bright colors and flashing lights.

Finally, mommy wanted me to include at least one artsy photo which explores the intimate bond between mother and daughter. So yeah, here it is.

Is this not chicken soup for your soul? Is it not?

Settling down

2007-03-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't kept you guys posted for a while. I've been busy getting back to my birth weight, but I've been able to break away from my regimen of eating and sleeping to blog. The best news is that I'm getting some great sleep so far-- up to six hours. Check this out:

I'm in deep REM sleep: rabid eye movement.

The bro has been great so far. Here he is with me, displaying an expression that can only be described as "beatific."

Here we are having a staring contest:

I won this round.

Mom and dad then had their own staring contest:

I'll be playing mom in the finals.

But after a week and a half, I got sick of just hanging around the house. Last Tuesday I took my pimped out ride for a spin:

That's my bro riding my coattails.

That ride whet my appetite for further adventures. However, my big bro was really cramping my style. When grandma and grandpa took him for the weekend, I saw my chance. At my suggestion, mom, dad and I hit the town with dad's law school friends:

I'm not asleep. The camera flash just made me close my eyes.

Most of dad's friends were pretty normal, but there were some exceptions:

Introducing the first evelynkaplowitz.blogspot.com caption contest! Post your submission in the "comments" section below. The winner will get a signed and numbered poopy diaper.

The evening started off pretty tame:

...but I may have gone overboard by the end:

That's all for now. Check out my big bro's blog if you've looked at all of the rest of the web sites on the Internet. It's that lame.

Calmer now.

2007-03-14T18:58:00.000-07:00

Things are going much better today. I got a newer, more synthetic-feeling nipple to top things off, and it's like I'm a new person. Eli's been taking over most of the nursing duties from mommy for now:

Easy there, partner. I'm not afraid to puke on you.

I'm also proud to report that I'm in ship shape after my first doctor's checkup:

It tickles... I mean hurts... I mean I'm cold... or something...

I'm proud to say that I lost 11% of my birth weight after only four days. If I can do it, you ladies can too. My all-breast-milk diet book is forthcoming-- check the front of your local Barnes & Noble.

I need an intervention

2007-03-12T08:19:00.001-07:00

I busted out of the hospital yesterday, and just in time. I was through with that joint and ready to see the world... by which I mean the inside of a car... by which I mean nothing, because I was asleep.

Hey, why do I have to face this way while Eli gets to see where we're going??? No freakin' fair.

At long last, home!

Here I am, pretending to be an abandoned baby on someone's doorstep.

I got a welcome cake and everything...

Unfortunately, the gesture was wasted on me. Frankly, cake just doesn't do it for me. Y'know what does, though? Boobs. Love 'em. Can't get enough. Seriously, I could use some boob right now. You know where I can get some? Because I know where I can get some. It's a big of an obsession at this point. Seriously, get me some boob. NOW.

Bad stuff happens when I don't get my fix. Take this evening. No boob for a good 30 second, and what happens? I fall apart. Got the shakes, everything. We're talking serious withdrawal. Nothing could comfort me except boob. Not a pat on the back...

Not swinging in a chair...

You think this is funny, Eli? YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY??? BOOB NOW!!!

Not a warm sponge bath...

In the end, the only thing that could get my mind off boob was the sorry spectacle of a grown man debasing himself to entertain a 3 day-old baby. That was fairly entertaining.

Seriously, would it kill you to take one of those Listerine breath strips?

Tomorrow, I'm signing up for Boobs Anonymous. Hopefully I'll meet some kids my own age while I'm at it. In the meantime, where's my damn boob!

Big brother: not so bad after all

2007-03-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the long awaited moment where I would be able to stare down my big brother, mano a womano, and tell him straight up that his blog stinks. The drama of the moment was somewhat mitigated by the fact that it turns out big brother is pretty cool. Cool enough for me to lift my head for the first time to check him out:

Oof. This takes a lot of effort, Eli. Hope you appreciate it down the road, when I'm knocking over your Legos.

I was rewarded with a big sloppy kiss. Is it too early to worry about cooties?

Eww...

On the other hand, Eli did bring me a present:

It came fully loaded with the latest in squeeze-and-bark technology.

Here's the whole gang admiring me:

Eventually the fawning got to be a bit too much, even for me. I mean, I am the new center of the universe, but enough's enough.

Yeesh.

Also, it sounds like I'm going home in an hour or so. Whatever "home" is. Sounds scary-- I doubt it's as charming and well-appointed as this room I've been in.

By the way, food is delicious. Everyone has been acting all surprised by the amount I've been consuming from the boob, but I don't understand. What type of person wouldn't like eating??? Hopefully no one related to me...

There are supposedly some nice pictures of Eli on his blog, which he wouldn't sell to me. (They were taken while I was either asleep or eating) I suppose you should go check them out. But come back here right afterwards!

I am arrived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-03-09T19:20:00.000-08:00

It was a smooth landing, with me weighing in at 6 lbs 7 oz, apparently the same as my older brother. If I couldn't weigh more than him, at least my blog kicks his blog's ass. For example, these are some EXCLUSIVE pictures of my birth, NOT AVAILABLE ON ELI'S BLOG.

Me, fresh out of the womb.

Me, fresh out of the womb, with daddy's head in the picture.

Me, getting used to flash photography.

Is it too late to go back in there?

OK, maybe you're not too bad, grandma.

I think we've isolated the problem.

Much better.

I have enjoyed the taste of the teat so far, which I'm told bodes well for me in the eating department. (Mommy removed the picture though.) Most importantly, I'm totally kicking my brother's ass in this department.

I can't wait to meet this Eli guy tomorrow. In the meantime, hey everyone. W'sup?

Aw crap.

2007-03-09T09:46:00.000-08:00

Looks like I am getting evicted after all. As you can see, the wheels are being set in motion. Next time you hear from me, I'll be on the outside.

That's me on the screen!

I've been granted a continuance!

2007-03-08T13:49:00.000-08:00

The hospital keeps pushing back the time they're going to induce me. Whooo! I'm totally going to trash this place before I leave here. To hell with the security deposit.

I need a lawyer.

2007-03-08T07:58:00.000-08:00

Rumor has it I'm going to be evicted from my apartment this afternoon. If only I had access to someone with knowledge of the law who could advise me of my rights...

I'm not born yet. Thanks for checking in.

2007-03-07T07:04:00.000-08:00

Apparently, today is my official due date. But hey, I'm told milk is still delicious even a few days after the date. So I'm "staying the course," as the saying goes.

Chill out, folks.

2007-03-05T16:55:00.000-08:00

Mommy is getting seriously antsy, threatening me with a time out if I don't get born in the next 24 hours. Cut me a little slack already. This takes time. Oh, and while you're at it, momma, could you pass me some more of that fudge brownie ice cream you've been snarfing down. It's delicious. I'm guessing it's better than the formula crap I'll be getting soon.

See, you're not giving me much of an incentive to give up the good life.

Still comfy.

2007-03-04T13:37:00.000-08:00

Still in here. Man, is it comfy in here.

Impatience

2007-03-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

I'm sensing a growing impatience outside the womb. Just bear with me. It's pretty damn comfy in here, and it's taking me a while to get the nerve. Plus, it's sort of a tight squeeze. So just cut me some slack, OK?

Incidentally, UVA apparently won the big game. Go Hoos! #1 in the ACC, whatever that means.

Still here.

2007-02-28T09:13:00.000-08:00

Daddy is telling me to wait until Friday so he can go to the Virginia-Virginia Tech basketball game Thursday night. I was a little skeptical at first, but when he explained that first place in the ACC was on the line, I acquiesced. Daddy is so cool, with his sports and his timetables.

2 things

2007-02-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

First, I'm still in here. In case people were wondering.

Second, I'm having a tough internal (in two senses) debate about how to spell the shortened version of my name. I'm pushing for "E-v-v-y" so that anyone with any phonics skills will get it right. I've been hearing from outside the womb that certain family members prefer "E-v-y" or "E-v-i-e." My big fear is that if I get tagged with one of those spellings, almost everyone will pronounce it "ee-vee." Thus, I will be doomed to a life of correcting people until the frustration builds up and I snap and open fire in a crowded Taco Bell.

In order to prevent this tragedy, I invite you to weigh in with comments on what you think the spelling of my nickname should be. Let's resolve this once and for all, before I get born and it's too late.

Finally, some clarity!

2007-02-13T18:53:00.000-08:00

Someone heeded my plea for photos, so here they are. Apparently, my mom had some sort of celebration of me a few days ago. It featured two cakes:

and...

I'm hoping mom only consumed one of them, for my sake.

I apparently got a few gifts at this event. This one is my favorite:

One big disappointment in flipping through the pictures: this clown. I'm hoping he's just a friend of a friend who crashed the party. Good god...

I also got a picture of my big brother, who looks like some sort of fuzzy convict in those PJ's:

He also was rude enough to block my air hole with a big plastic eyeball. Thanks. That's a big help.

I also got a picture of my future digs:

It comes with cable! I hope I have TiVo...

That's all for now. Given what I've seen so far, it's probably just as well that I have a few more weeks in here. Yeesh.

It's dark in here.

2007-02-09T20:44:00.001-08:00

This is boring. I'm ready to come out.

Like I said, boring. Someone send me some pictures so I can make this blog more interesting.