Settling down

Sorry I haven't kept you guys posted for a while. I've been busy getting back to my birth weight, but I've been able to break away from my regimen of eating and sleeping to blog. The best news is that I'm getting some great sleep so far-- up to six hours. Check this out:

I'm in deep REM sleep: rabid eye movement.

The bro has been great so far. Here he is with me, displaying an expression that can only be described as "beatific."


Here we are having a staring contest:

I won this round.

Mom and dad then had their own staring contest:

I'll be playing mom in the finals.

But after a week and a half, I got sick of just hanging around the house. Last Tuesday I took my pimped out ride for a spin:

That's my bro riding my coattails.

That ride whet my appetite for further adventures. However, my big bro was really cramping my style. When grandma and grandpa took him for the weekend, I saw my chance. At my suggestion, mom, dad and I hit the town with dad's law school friends:

I'm not asleep. The camera flash just made me close my eyes.

Most of dad's friends were pretty normal, but there were some exceptions:

Introducing the first evelynkaplowitz.blogspot.com caption contest! Post your submission in the "comments" section below. The winner will get a signed and numbered poopy diaper.

The evening started off pretty tame:


...but I may have gone overboard by the end:


That's all for now. Check out my big bro's blog if you've looked at all of the rest of the web sites on the Internet. It's that lame.

Calmer now.

Things are going much better today. I got a newer, more synthetic-feeling nipple to top things off, and it's like I'm a new person. Eli's been taking over most of the nursing duties from mommy for now:

Easy there, partner. I'm not afraid to puke on you.

I'm also proud to report that I'm in ship shape after my first doctor's checkup:

It tickles... I mean hurts... I mean I'm cold... or something...

I'm proud to say that I lost 11% of my birth weight after only four days. If I can do it, you ladies can too. My all-breast-milk diet book is forthcoming-- check the front of your local Barnes & Noble.

I need an intervention

I busted out of the hospital yesterday, and just in time. I was through with that joint and ready to see the world... by which I mean the inside of a car... by which I mean nothing, because I was asleep.

Hey, why do I have to face this way while Eli gets to see where we're going??? No freakin' fair.

At long last, home!

Here I am, pretending to be an abandoned baby on someone's doorstep.

I got a welcome cake and everything...

Unfortunately, the gesture was wasted on me. Frankly, cake just doesn't do it for me. Y'know what does, though? Boobs. Love 'em. Can't get enough. Seriously, I could use some boob right now. You know where I can get some? Because I know where I can get some. It's a big of an obsession at this point. Seriously, get me some boob. NOW.

Bad stuff happens when I don't get my fix. Take this evening. No boob for a good 30 second, and what happens? I fall apart. Got the shakes, everything. We're talking serious withdrawal. Nothing could comfort me except boob. Not a pat on the back...

Not swinging in a chair...

You think this is funny, Eli? YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY??? BOOB NOW!!!

Not a warm sponge bath...


In the end, the only thing that could get my mind off boob was the sorry spectacle of a grown man debasing himself to entertain a 3 day-old baby. That was fairly entertaining.

Seriously, would it kill you to take one of those Listerine breath strips?

Tomorrow, I'm signing up for Boobs Anonymous. Hopefully I'll meet some kids my own age while I'm at it. In the meantime, where's my damn boob!

Big brother: not so bad after all

Yesterday was the long awaited moment where I would be able to stare down my big brother, mano a womano, and tell him straight up that his blog stinks. The drama of the moment was somewhat mitigated by the fact that it turns out big brother is pretty cool. Cool enough for me to lift my head for the first time to check him out:

Oof. This takes a lot of effort, Eli. Hope you appreciate it down the road, when I'm knocking over your Legos.

I was rewarded with a big sloppy kiss. Is it too early to worry about cooties?

Eww...

On the other hand, Eli did bring me a present:

It came fully loaded with the latest in squeeze-and-bark technology.

Here's the whole gang admiring me:


Eventually the fawning got to be a bit too much, even for me. I mean, I am the new center of the universe, but enough's enough.

Yeesh.

Also, it sounds like I'm going home in an hour or so. Whatever "home" is. Sounds scary-- I doubt it's as charming and well-appointed as this room I've been in.

By the way, food is delicious. Everyone has been acting all surprised by the amount I've been consuming from the boob, but I don't understand. What type of person wouldn't like eating??? Hopefully no one related to me...

There are supposedly some nice pictures of Eli on his blog, which he wouldn't sell to me. (They were taken while I was either asleep or eating) I suppose you should go check them out. But come back here right afterwards!

I am arrived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was a smooth landing, with me weighing in at 6 lbs 7 oz, apparently the same as my older brother. If I couldn't weigh more than him, at least my blog kicks his blog's ass. For example, these are some EXCLUSIVE pictures of my birth, NOT AVAILABLE ON ELI'S BLOG.

Me, fresh out of the womb.

Me, fresh out of the womb, with daddy's head in the picture.

Me, getting used to flash photography.

Is it too late to go back in there?

OK, maybe you're not too bad, grandma.

I think we've isolated the problem.

Much better.

I have enjoyed the taste of the teat so far, which I'm told bodes well for me in the eating department. (Mommy removed the picture though.) Most importantly, I'm totally kicking my brother's ass in this department.

I can't wait to meet this Eli guy tomorrow. In the meantime, hey everyone. W'sup?

Aw crap.

Looks like I am getting evicted after all. As you can see, the wheels are being set in motion. Next time you hear from me, I'll be on the outside.

That's me on the screen!

I've been granted a continuance!

The hospital keeps pushing back the time they're going to induce me. Whooo! I'm totally going to trash this place before I leave here. To hell with the security deposit.

I need a lawyer.

Rumor has it I'm going to be evicted from my apartment this afternoon. If only I had access to someone with knowledge of the law who could advise me of my rights...

I'm not born yet. Thanks for checking in.

Apparently, today is my official due date. But hey, I'm told milk is still delicious even a few days after the date. So I'm "staying the course," as the saying goes.

Chill out, folks.

Mommy is getting seriously antsy, threatening me with a time out if I don't get born in the next 24 hours. Cut me a little slack already. This takes time. Oh, and while you're at it, momma, could you pass me some more of that fudge brownie ice cream you've been snarfing down. It's delicious. I'm guessing it's better than the formula crap I'll be getting soon.

See, you're not giving me much of an incentive to give up the good life.

Still comfy.

Still in here. Man, is it comfy in here.

Impatience

I'm sensing a growing impatience outside the womb. Just bear with me. It's pretty damn comfy in here, and it's taking me a while to get the nerve. Plus, it's sort of a tight squeeze. So just cut me some slack, OK?

Incidentally, UVA apparently won the big game. Go Hoos! #1 in the ACC, whatever that means.